a frenum of omnia

Humans are futile. How teen does that statement sound. It is true though. We, as with all else in the universe, are subject to a natural experiment on truth of existence in transience. We cannot think ahead, as to realise one’s future is to realise one’s nonexistence, a concept that the human brain is just not built for. We must only think of now because to think of after is to think of not thinking, a tripwire in the mind to indefinite dread of the future, near or far. To cope with this, we experience the “Keep Moving Forward” effect or KMF. This is a status universally found in all our minds at some point or another. This form of thought directs towards a single purpose: a solution for the problems of the moment after, nothing later or sooner. A mindset solely forcing work on the next thing to do. The average person in my generation thinks this way often, though they may not know it. The idea that “exams are still months away” or the constant ignoring of the to-do list to tidy and clean on impulse alone. It makes its way into every long-term school project, every plan to write a book, every dissertation or research paper, even to primary legislation at the top end of British society. No-one is safe from the mind in the moment. Plans are never plans, simply outlines that we can stand because we don’t need to think too hard about them. Ideas left behind shall rot until hopefully, one curious mind picks it up in the future. This is critical to the history and development of humanity. We move forward in fluid chunks through the belief that what we do today will save us from whatever comes tomorrow, and that tomorrow we will be free to do the same for the day after. Tim Berners-Lee did not expect google. Bismarck in no way expected the atom bomb. Victoria never expected an unempowered monarchy chained to the desk by parliament. This is not a fault or slight on any of them, but rather an example of intelligent, powerful people ignoring the direct line of progression laid in front of them, due to the forced negligence of dodging existentialism. The unavoidability of KMF. From an engineer’s point of view, this is bad. It is an evidenced expression of the fact that the current generations in authority will never comprehend the future enough to help further generations of people under them. Unfortunately, we cannot view a subject as complex as grey matter in such monochrome terms. My personal and what I believe to be a philosopher’s popular theory is that this is not bad, or good, as it is the only possible path.

Nothing makes me feel
The way I want to feel
I’m not bored
I miss a feeling
I’m lonely from emotions
Theres a feeling in my heart
This immense unprecedented joy
That can’t be released
Because it has no reason to be released
The environment for fun is missing
There should be a word for it
The word for love you get only from a close friend

-Euraphia-
The feeling of doing something, chill ,fun and sober, with only your closest friends that you trust and love and connect with, dark at 8pm on a night in the prime of your life, knowing that no matter what happens tomorrow it will not be more important than the feeling you have in that very moment.

I wish for that so bad
My waking moments are filled with obsession
I feel it weighing me down in the day
The need
To experience something that nobody ever seeks
That those who miss regret forever
And those that have will never not take for granted
I feel like I missed it

I’m 18 years old.
I am so far into my life
In terms of enjoyment
I have plenty of days left
For stress and worry and sorting things out
But I feel like I’m nearing the end of my fun
Its terrifying

I never had that feeling fully
I know now that I need it
But I wasted all my chances
Not realising what it even was
That fleeting feeling of being where you’re supposed to be
Euraphia

I’ve never fit in
There’s a technical term for my rubbish socialising
I’ve never let a friend get too close
I’ve never had the chance
I’ve always talked to people the wrong way for it to happen
I spend parties too worried about what I’m saying or doing
I spend days out thinking about all the ways I could die in the next 5 minutes
I’m scared

I never realised how serious my anxiety was until I started to talk to people
I worry in ways a common person shouldn’t
I have the emotional composure of a cartoon character
It’s hard to explain
If I start to think the couch will eat me
I will stand for a week

I’ve had fleeting attempts at friend groups in the past
People that were patient at mass
In honesty, not self criticism
People I never got connected to because I always felt like a burden

Thus, certain days are missing
Days where I was supposed to be laying around
At a friends house
With bad music playing
Dreaming about everything
And doing nothing
I miss it
I never had it
But I miss it.


I spend my days now sadly
Begging the universe to bless me with a perfect set of friends
People to trust and share and love
I don’t want to settle anymore
I’m so tired of drifting
Expecting my life to just fix around me
I demand perfection
In myself and others
I dare my world to be perfectly imperfect
Flawed in the exact way that makes us human
Without making us bad
I crave that true benevolence

I know people that had it
The 5 true friends and the nice nights lying around
They don’t care
They flaunted and spent it
As I did with my maturity
We do not trust our gifts
Because we didn’t earn them
So we flaunt and spend them
And beg for the one thing we were not given

I am so very aware of myself
I can feel every negative turn and impression
Generated from this monologue
I’ve stopped caring
I’m not going to be the precise me
I will become a human
And I will slot in with all the others
And I will find those perfect friends
And i will fill that hole in my heart
I must
Because I don’t know how much longer i can feel so severely alone.